Blessings in Disguise

When I work out and see the pregnant ladies come in and work to stay healthy and the women that have just had a baby and listen to them complain about the 5 extra pounds they have left to lose.  I get jealous, I get angry, I get hurt.  I would give anything to be one of those women.  Worrying about a few pounds gained.  Tired of being 9 months pregnant.  I know this isn't all of them.  I know not everyone feels that way.  I recently had a pregnant women just tell me how lucky I am, how annoying it is to be pregnant, how I should just be grateful.

My initial response is always the same, 'thank you' as I chuckle and act like its no big deal.  But it is.  I then sit and think about her response and my struggle begins.  I think about how I yearn to feel a baby inside me.  I hear how breast feeding is not always so great, but that was the hardest thing I had to deal with when adopting Lilly.  I worried about not being able to bond or feel a connection to my child.  I get angry when people complain about being pregnant.  Shouldn't they be grateful?

Then I realize, again, that shouldn't I be grateful?  And I am.  I have a beautiful daughter that loves me and her daddy.  I am thankful that I get to hold her each night.  I am grateful for the vivacious, sweet, stubborn, hilarious, and caring child I was blessed with.  I am thankful her birthfather and birthmother trusted us to raise our daughter.  I say 'our' because she is ours.  We are all four here to love her and teach her.  We may not be able to see her birthparents very much, but they are always with us.  I am thankful Heavenly Father gave us all the struggles and trials he has given us.  I worried that Lilly would be nothing like us, but she looks just like Brandon and acts just like me.  She's a hilariously, beautifully crazy little girl.  I pray we are blessed soon with more children, but if not, we are beyond blessed.  My ache is still there and I still hurt.  I still dream about having more children and I still pray we are able to.  

But my prayers have changed over the years.  I no longer as why me, but thank Heavenly Father that it was me.  My heart breaks when a friend shares their struggles with infertility.  I have a million words that mean nothing, because the only thing we want, any of us want, is peace.

I have my struggles, I worry all the time, and I think I will always be envious of the miracle some women are able to bring into this world, but there is another plan for us.  I have several friends who struggle with infertility and I have been there; but know that you are not alone.  I always thought I was the only one, but you're not.  I wish I could go back and realize that, but better late than never.  And now I can be the listening ear for those that need it.

I think back to what people have said to us on the past and I don't fault them.  I fault myself. I am grateful for our infertility.  I am grateful I was given this struggle; it used to be a burden, but I now realize it is a blessing.  Most of the time, our struggles and trials are blessings in disguise.